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Thriving People, Thriving Workplaces Aug-Sept 2009: Permission to be an Optimalist |
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Think about your workplace: -
is there a climate of
psychological safety in which workers are allowed to learn from mistakes, and
there is an acceptance of human fallibility? -
is there a
suffocating climate of fear of failure? -
Is there micromanagement to eliminate
possibility of mistakes being made? “The
perfectionist manager loses out, as do his employees and the organization:
the best people leave, and those who remain fail to learn.” (p140) The Pursuit of Perfect Perfectionism at work is just
one of the many areas Tal Ben-Shahar addresses in his latest book “The
Pursuit of Perfect”. Whether you’re a
perfectionist or not, this book is highly recommended. Tal interweaves his
wealth of knowledge of well-researched concepts with compelling personal
experiences. The result is a very readable analysis of the dangers of
perfectionism and an outline of a healthier alternative that he calls “optimalism.” In Part 2, he applies the ideas to specific
areas of life that are dear to his heart: education, parenting, relationships
and the workplace. Throughout Tal interjects practical suggestions and advice
for how to reduce perfectionist tendencies. In Part 3, he offers ten meditations
on specific topics. The central idea is that being
an optimalist, in the state of positive perfection,
is adaptive and healthy, while negative perfectionism is a maladaptive and
neurotic state. Tal draws a link between healthy optimalism
and the goal of Positive Psychology, the scientific study of optimal human
functioning. Continuum between Extreme Perfectionism and Optimalism At one end of the continuum,
extreme perfectionists reject reality, failure (and success) and painful
emotions, and are rarely satisfied. At the other end of the continuum are the
optimalists. They accept the realities of being
human and the inevitable, mixed results that come with purposeful action.
They’ve learned to appreciate “good enough.” There are shades of grey
between these extremes on the continuum. People can experience varying
degrees of perfectionism and optimalism in
different parts of their lives. Reality for Extreme Perfectionists -
Perfectionists reject the reality, constraints
and experiences of the human condition. -
They believe it is possible and desirable to
be perfect, and constantly strive and expect to get there. -
They set impossible goals and standards. -
Unwilling to accept themselves, they are
destined never to feel good enough. -
In effect, they rarely give themselves
permission to be human. Failure/Success for Extreme Perfectionists -
To the perfectionist, a good life is
completely without failure. -
Hurdles are unwelcome, mistakes are
catastrophic, and criticisms are devastating. -
So focused are they on the destination, they
are unable to enjoy the journey. -
Even though they might succeed, they never
feel successful. -
Since accomplishment is never perfect, they
even reject success when it comes. Emotions of Extreme Perfectionists -
Because feelings can be so volatile and
unpredictable, perfectionists do not permit a range of human emotions. They
seek a constant and perfect tone, whether it’s positive or negative. There is
no pleasure in accomplishment, and no pain allowed in failure. -
Because perfectionists want to look good, they
fear exposing their mistakes -
They can be beset by procrastination and
paralysis (“if I don’t try, I won’t fail”). -
With high expectations they are hard on
themselves and can be as hard on others. -
They tend to be fault finders and pessimists. Reality for Optimalists -
They set high standards and ambitious goals
that are attainable and grounded in reality. -
Their goals are flexible and adaptable. They
are willing to experiment, take risks, seek feedback, and see the benefits in
criticism. -
They are curious with a genuine desire to
learn. -
Optimalists value
the journey, expect detours, and seek to learn from (not fear) failure:
“learn to fail or fail to learn”. Emotions of Optimalists -
They permit a full range of emotions, accepting
both the pleasant and unpleasant experiences. -
Optimalists
appreciate and savor success, and can find
satisfaction in a less then perfect performance. -
The “good enough” mindset results in more
energy. Coping and learning increases self-confidence, encouraging optimalists to take on more challenges. -
A rich emotional life of high self-esteem and
self acceptance is the reward for being an optimalist.
Psychological health In a recent email Tal explained
to us, “Where we are on the continuum between optimalism
and perfectionism is one of the better predictors of mental health. It
doesn’t explain everything, but it explains a lot.” On curiosity and
intrinsic motivation, Tal offered, “Optimalists
tend to be more intrinsically motivated, and curiosity is a form of intrinsic
motivation. Perfectionists are usually driven by their need to prove
themselves, not by their desire to learn.” Acceptance and mindfulness Amongst the many practical ways
to become an optimalist, Tal advocates active
acceptance and reminds us of the importance of mindfulness: “Active acceptance is about
recognizing things as they are and then choosing the course of action we deem
appropriate and worthy of ourselves.” (pp. 51-57) “Accepting myself, sensitivity
and all, is more likely to help me become more resilient. When I accept the
emotion – when I accept myself – that’s when I am in the best mindset and
heart-set to change.” (pp. 51-57) “Permission to feel, to
experience the experience rather than to ruminate on it; it’s about accepting
emotions as they are, being with them rather than trying to understand and
‘fix’ them” (p. 68) Finding peace Tal’s
practical “Time In” exercises, reflections, and meditations help the reader
lessen the grip of perfectionism. However, Tal does not set up unrealistic
expectations. No quick fix, no silver bullets. It takes time, hard work and
regular practice. This book reminds us to allow
ourselves to have a good enough life and to give ourselves permission to be
human. So begins the journey of moving towards optimalism,
and to a place of peace, satisfaction, and happiness. Acknowledgments:
Many thanks to Tom Weirich,
colleague, friend and fellow member of Positive Workplace International
(PWI). Tom is an Advisor with Wells Fargo Advisors, and helps people thrive
and prosper by working at the intersection of money and happiness. http://www.positiveworkplaceinternational.com
After recently reading and
reviewing Tal’s book for our PWI team, Tom and I
co-wrote this article below for Positive Psychology News Daily (PPND): http://positivepsychologynews.com/news/amanda-horne/200909034952
. A big thank you to Finally, thank you Tal for the
great book, and for also conversing with Tom and me over email and answering
our questions. Reference: Ben-Shahar, T. (2009) The
Pursuit of Perfect: How to Stop Chasing Perfection and Start Living a Richer,
Happier Life. This email… …aims to provide you and your teams with Add / Remove: Please send an email to: info@amandahorne.com.au For previous articles:
www.amandahorne.com.au/resources/index.html © |
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